“But such is the way of the world,” Ealric said heartlessly. “Men are honest and treated like liars; women are pure and treated like filth. You, Colton, cannot change that.”
Keep it up! And I’m hoping Fianna will make another appearance :)
>>“Noble?” Valdis repeated. “Nobility is not pity! It is the greatness to rise above everyone else without regret or second thought. You cannot achieve all this,”
This is an amazingly accurate statement, perhaps, but not the way that noble people tended to speak, especially in front of other people. They liked to pretend that they were more 'noble' than commoners. See 'noblesse oblige'.
Yes, this is an interesting idea. Valdis may be somewhat unique because he's not going to try to pretend to be good or innocent in front of other people. He doesn't care about what people think of him as long as they see him as more powerful.
Just a reminder, anytime you want my crits *before* you publish, feel free to send me the chapter and I will send stuff back. Or post it on our DM link.
Great job, Victoria!! I love the way the story is developing, and I can't wait to see what the next part of Colton's life will be like. The conflict between Ealric, Valdis, and Colton's worldviews is very interesting. Ealric and Colton's conversations have been my favorite part.
>>Most slaves were women, for though men could rise from poverty women could only do so through marriage, and to marry a slave girl was unthinkable
This doesn't actually make sense. It doesn't contrast two likes (slave women vs poor men) and it doesn't contrast the methods... no method is given for the men. Were slave men allowed to accept pay for their work, and slave women not?
Basically slave men, as either warriors or former warriors, could still compete in the Games. Victory allowed them a life of fame and nobility. Women of course could not compete, and so the only way they could be free would be to marry someone of higher rank. I explained more about this in chapter one.
And just to clarify, my comments are not meant to provide information for me, even when there are questions. They’re an indication that as I read through the book, this was something that I as a reader had a question about, so you as an author might want to think if there’s a way that you want to clarify it at that point.
There is another issue, and I’m not where I can read right now, that I had. Does he realise that the slave girl was probably beaten even more severely later?
Yes, he does realize this, but not till later. At the time he obviously isn't really thinking through things. Plus, he's not entirely accustomed to the laws on Vellatha yet. This issue comes up again later though.
I'm sure Victoria can give you more insight on this section, but as a reader, this is what I took away from it:
Since Ealric is moving up in rank because of his warrior's victory in the Games, he will no longer be training Colton. However, he is sorry to leave because he knows that Colton has much talent and wants to see him achieve mastery. Although he was angry with Colton for some of his disobedience, he still wanted to complete Colton's training due to his promising skills.
So did clarify as I did on the other comment, when I work on critiquing and I ask a question it is not because I need an answer. It’s an indication that at that stage of the book when I was reading that was a question that I had, or something that I didn’t understand. So the author might want to say hi, I guess I’m gonna put a little more explanation in here, maybe have somebody say something in dialogue that would answer that question.
Yeah absolutely! It's very helpful to see different people's perspective on things so I can understand if there are parts that aren't entirely clear to readers.
Yeah, that's helpful! I just wanted to also give my view as a reader to help Victoria get some different perspectives. It's good for her to see how different people react to and understand her book. It can also be an explanation to any other readers who are reading the comments or could possibly be confused about the same topic. It's an amazing book though, and I think she's doing a fantastic job! You go girl!
Victoria, this is my favorite chapter yet!
I especially liked this line that Ealric said:
“But such is the way of the world,” Ealric said heartlessly. “Men are honest and treated like liars; women are pure and treated like filth. You, Colton, cannot change that.”
Keep it up! And I’m hoping Fianna will make another appearance :)
Thank you!!! I enjoyed writing that part. :)
>>“Noble?” Valdis repeated. “Nobility is not pity! It is the greatness to rise above everyone else without regret or second thought. You cannot achieve all this,”
This is an amazingly accurate statement, perhaps, but not the way that noble people tended to speak, especially in front of other people. They liked to pretend that they were more 'noble' than commoners. See 'noblesse oblige'.
Yes, this is an interesting idea. Valdis may be somewhat unique because he's not going to try to pretend to be good or innocent in front of other people. He doesn't care about what people think of him as long as they see him as more powerful.
>>>It was the chance for a new life, for recognition of fame and the rewards that years of intense training might offer them.
You might wish to give some details here of what the 'new life' would mean. Moving from what to what?
I like how Colton tried to aid the slave girl but the fact that he then envisions HER during the whipping seems a little offputting
Victoria, this is definitely my favorite of the chapters you've written so far. I love Colton's character so much. :) Can't wait for the next chapter!
Just a reminder, anytime you want my crits *before* you publish, feel free to send me the chapter and I will send stuff back. Or post it on our DM link.
Great job, Victoria!! I love the way the story is developing, and I can't wait to see what the next part of Colton's life will be like. The conflict between Ealric, Valdis, and Colton's worldviews is very interesting. Ealric and Colton's conversations have been my favorite part.
>>Most slaves were women, for though men could rise from poverty women could only do so through marriage, and to marry a slave girl was unthinkable
This doesn't actually make sense. It doesn't contrast two likes (slave women vs poor men) and it doesn't contrast the methods... no method is given for the men. Were slave men allowed to accept pay for their work, and slave women not?
Basically slave men, as either warriors or former warriors, could still compete in the Games. Victory allowed them a life of fame and nobility. Women of course could not compete, and so the only way they could be free would be to marry someone of higher rank. I explained more about this in chapter one.
And just to clarify, my comments are not meant to provide information for me, even when there are questions. They’re an indication that as I read through the book, this was something that I as a reader had a question about, so you as an author might want to think if there’s a way that you want to clarify it at that point.
Could Poorman compete in the games or just slave men?
All boys, no matter their rank, were taken from their home at the age of 13 and placed at a training center, so yes, poor men could compete as well.
There is another issue, and I’m not where I can read right now, that I had. Does he realise that the slave girl was probably beaten even more severely later?
Yes, he does realize this, but not till later. At the time he obviously isn't really thinking through things. Plus, he's not entirely accustomed to the laws on Vellatha yet. This issue comes up again later though.
So are you hoping that your readers will recognise this flaw on his part?
Yes, I am. He acts rashly and isn't considering the consequences, which he will be faced with later.
>>“I will be sorry to leave you,” he said in farewell to Colton.
I was very confused as to what was happening here.
I'm sure Victoria can give you more insight on this section, but as a reader, this is what I took away from it:
Since Ealric is moving up in rank because of his warrior's victory in the Games, he will no longer be training Colton. However, he is sorry to leave because he knows that Colton has much talent and wants to see him achieve mastery. Although he was angry with Colton for some of his disobedience, he still wanted to complete Colton's training due to his promising skills.
So did clarify as I did on the other comment, when I work on critiquing and I ask a question it is not because I need an answer. It’s an indication that at that stage of the book when I was reading that was a question that I had, or something that I didn’t understand. So the author might want to say hi, I guess I’m gonna put a little more explanation in here, maybe have somebody say something in dialogue that would answer that question.
Yeah absolutely! It's very helpful to see different people's perspective on things so I can understand if there are parts that aren't entirely clear to readers.
Yeah, that's helpful! I just wanted to also give my view as a reader to help Victoria get some different perspectives. It's good for her to see how different people react to and understand her book. It can also be an explanation to any other readers who are reading the comments or could possibly be confused about the same topic. It's an amazing book though, and I think she's doing a fantastic job! You go girl!